I'm finding the whole grieving process to be very interesting. I cry a bit everyday, even though it's been over three weeks. Some days it's a few minutes in the morning, some days it stretches throughout the day.

A few days ago, I had an intense moment realizing I couldn't pick up the phone and just call my dad whenever I wanted to. Yesterday, I cried because my son suggested Foster's Freeze for a lunch time outing and it got me right in the gut. Foster's Freeze was one of the local places we frequented with my Dad during his summer month visits. I could go to any Foster's Freeze location other than our location, but I couldn't go to that one. I guess my heart let me know I'm not quite ready for that one yet and that's okay. I'll get there eventually.

Today, my grief is about wanting answers. I want to know if when the doctor told Dad to go home and get healthy for the next four months and then he could set up an appointment to discuss treatment, if there really was hope at that point. Or did the doctor know he probably wouldn't make it through the next four months but tried to give him a bit of hope to be kind. I want to know if the sudden pneumonia is what expedited his death. I want to know if his smoking had anything to do with his death or not. I want to know if he had been a healthy and fit individual, if it would have changed the outcome. The reason why I ask that question is because I've read several things online from other sons and daughters that have shared their shock because their fathers were so healthy and took such good care of themselves, and yet, they too died in a few short months or weeks. Does that mean my dad's unhealthy lifestyle didn't make a difference? Is Mesothelioma that ugly? I'm starting to think that it is.

I heard Tim McGraw's "Life like you were dying" song this morning. The man in the song went skydiving and rocky mountain climbing and lived as much as he could. My dad, however, died within weeks of his diagnosis and didn't get to live at all. I'm angry about that and I'm sad.

Damn you Asbestos, Mesothelioma and the companies that did this to my dad and to so many others.

*** To be continued.